I’ve started writing this post a number of times over the last 3 or 4 months. Got halfway through it and then deleted it for a variety of reasons:
a.) it was too raw
b.) I wasn’t entirely resolved on our decision
c.) the main reason, it may be read by people who haven’t been able to have a baby for one reason or another, or lost a baby or babies and I desperately don’t want to upset and / or offend. Please believe me that this is the last thing I want. I would be devastated if my blog upset anyone. However, it is just that, MY blog. Where I talk about me and my life and this is what’s going on in my life. Just know that I have every sympathy for those of you with your own struggles and I mean no harm by what I write.
d.) I don’t believe in writing something in anger, though I have been known to. Unfortunately I am learning that this anger isn’t going to go away, or even dull, so I’m committing pen to paper, or words to internet anyway.
I am angry. I AM ANGRY.
I am angry at the unfair, indiscriminate disease that is pre eclampsia.
I’m angry that I got this bastard disease, that as a result of it my baby had to be ripped from my womb to save my life, and hers. Then get taken 40 miles away so I couldn’t meet her and bond with her until she was 4 days old. I missed the first 4 days of Littlebit’s life. Why me? Why us?
I’m angry that I missed out on the last 10 weeks of my pregnancy. People had just started to tell me I was beginning to bloom, my bump was only just beginning to get big. Then wham no more blooming, just ballooning and swelling and a very poorly looking me and then that decision “We have to take your baby out, now!”
I’m angry that there is no way of predicting this illness, although there is some new research being done, it’s by no means available yet.
I’m angry that there’s no reasonable cure. The only cure is to remove your baby. No matter how many weeks along you are. That’s it. The only thing that can stop pre eclampsia.
I’m angry at the ideas people have about pre eclampsia, obviously I got it because I was (am) overweight. NO! The disease hits the fat and the thin alike. It is indiscriminate in its victims.
But most of all I am angry that we have been forced to make a decision, a decision that while I am 99% sure about, there’s that nagging 1%. The decision that based on the fact that pre eclampsia could come back in a future pregnancy, with potentially devastating consequences. The decision that there will be no more babies! No little brother or sister for Littlebit 
But then, on the other hand, I am SO very grateful for what we have. We have THE most amazing little girl, who I believe, is all the more fun because of her prematurity. That feisty fighting spirit she had to learn, very quickly within the first few days, has had a lasting impact and will always remain. She is the epitome of a Preemie Diva.
What pre eclampsia has taught me is that you can’t take anything for granted, you must live for today and not tomorrow as sometimes your life can hang in the balance, and you might not even know. And that when you are grateful you should show it. I am so grateful to so many people, for saving my life, for saving Littlebit’s, for acting precisely when necessary, for the support and friendship, for new friendships. Just so much!
Anyway, I’m not sure I’m cut out to be a mum to multiple children anyway. I don’t think I could take the stress, but that is for another post…
I had pre-eclampsia. Not as badly as you. With Tilly, my first baby, I went to my last ante natal check up, a week before she was due, and they diagnosed me there and then. I was devastated. They handled it very badly, making me walk half a mile home, and suggesting that if I felt ill I should sit on a wall. Making me find my own way to hospital despite telling me in the surgery that it was serious and could kill me. I went through 72 hours of hell in hospital before they grudgingly gave me a c- section and then, because my pre-eclampsia didn’t go away they kept me in for two weeks, pushing me from pillar to post, sometimes without my baby if they couldn’t find a suitable room, and telling me I might actually be suffering from a heart defect (I wasn’t).
I had planned a home birth and everything got taken away and smashed up by bad care. It took me months to recover physically and mentally and made me think very hard about having another.
That and all the miscarriages before I managed to fall pregnant with Tilly.
Then, with Tallulah I had moved house and under a different scheme I was able to have my BP managed at home (another two miscarriages in). It was much less scary. I was much less ill. Things were better.
Two more miscarriages later and I fell pregnant with Oscar. Different again, and this time I ended up in hospital for two weeks with pre-eclampsia before they delivered him C-section.
It’s an absolute bastard of a thing, and you are right about it being non discriminatory. I’m not overweight and never have been. Nor have I had any previous experience of problems with BP etc, and haven’t ever since, except in pregnancy. I’m lucky I had healthy, unaffected babies, but the fear was always there, and I understand your reasons for Littlebit being an only child.
You have my sympathy.
Sorry for the rambling post. Touched a nerve.x
Thanks Katy. Not rambling, honest and obviously angry about pre eclampsia too. It does rob you of the pregnancy / birth you should have had. Bastard thing!
xxx
I have no experience of pre-eclampsia but can relate to the resulting prematurity and sudden loss of both pregnancy and ideals-as if anyone needed anything more to come to terms with.
It is absolutely shocking that in this day and age there is nothing more than a c-section to “cure” this. Pre-eclampsia is not a new phenomenon. Even if they are unable to find new advances, the awareness and subsequent support need to be improved.
I’m sure it’s only made a dent in your feelings but I hope it helped a little bit writing the frustration down.
It definitely did. Thanks Mouse x
This disease did the same to me, it robbed me of the birth I wanted and left me with a horror story that left me mourning the future children I had planned because I swore I would never go through that again. After months of PND which I say a big factor with the Pre-eclampsia I finally began to consider more children again. Now 16 months down the line I would love more and feel greatful that time is a healer but as for the disease? It robs all of us who suffer from it of the memories we dream of having and sharing and I for one extend my thoughts to anyone suffering from it right now x
Horrible, horrible disease. I hate it, too.
It’s so evil, and the misnomers that surround it annoy me so much.
I am reassured that there is so much research out there, and hopefully, the protocols for managing first time mums will change in light of the new findings that are coming out all the time, but it is a bastard, evil, common disease that’s been known about for centuries.
I am so glad you wrote this post, I have written many like it, I am still grieving for the babies I will never have. I am grateful beyond words for Joseph, but to hear him ask for a brother or sister pains me so much.
Pingback: One born every minute | mummypinkwellies
Really glad that this post has been written. I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia at 30 weeks, rushed in on the Thursday and had a baby by Sunday. Thankfully my son was absolutely fine, and coped with his early arrival very well!
For me it was bewildering, I was never given any explanations or help and my aftercare was dreadful – I had to constantly request my blood-pressure tablets which got reguarly forgotton, and although I was on twice-daily blood pressure checks, finding anyone to actually do them was a real challenge. Now, 6 years on and a lot of intermittent blood pressure problems since (but never before my pregnancy) I’ve just been diagnosed with high blood pressure which the doctor believes is related to my pre-eclampsia. Let’s hope that there’s plenty more research about this misunderstood disease.
Thanks for putting this on your blog, I too feel exactly the same about this disease. I got PE and HELLP 6 weeks ago and Lily had to come out at 24+3. We didn’t know anything about this disease, didn’t see it coming at all. My baby girl was taken to NICU 50 miles away and I didn’t meet her until she was 3 days old and that was because I was rushed in an ambulance to her as she was fighting for her life. 10 days later she she died, the nurse handed her to me and it broke my heart to know it was the first and last time I would ever hold her. Its almost 4 weeks now and I feel so alone, I am trying to put a brave face on for everyone but its killing me. I hate PE and HELLP and I don’t know if I can try again as its a 50/50 chance it will come back. This should not happen, not in this advanced day and age. Sorry rant over xxx
You rant away.
What a horrible, horrible situation for you
I am so sorry for your loss.
Mummypinkwellies x
Thanks for this blog posting. I just had my baby last week and had a horrible labor thanks to pre-eclampsia. To top it off, I still have pre-e and my symptoms are getting worse. Not only did it make for a horrible pregnancy but now I struggle to enjoy my sweet baby because I’m paranoid about what my condition will be like as the hours pass. I will not be having any more children. I can’t go through this again.