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One born every minute. Why do I insist on watching this, even though it upsets me every time?
The moment when that baby pops out, cries for the first time, and is, nine times out of ten, given to mum. It has me in floods every single time. There are usually two or three babies per episode and most of them are born naturally.
Every time I watch it brings back memories of Littlebit’s birth. Some good, some not so good. Inevitably though the feelings I end up with every week are:
Jealousy
Guilt
Anger
I feel blessed
and
Humbled
Good range hey?
I’m going to take each of these emotions and explain why…
Jealousy:
I’m jealous of all the mums on there who have a seemingly easy pregnancy and a lovely natural birth. Even the ones that really seem to suffer with their labour.
Oddly I’m jealous of the contractions. Not being great with pain you’d think that I’d be relieved that I never felt so much as Braxton Hicks let alone a full on contraction. But no, I’d love to have experienced that. I’d have loved for my body to have a chance at labour.
The mums who have the water births get me especially as I’d have loved that. That was out of the question from the word go though, because I had a raised BMI I was automatically put under consultant led care rather than midwife led. So I wrote that off very early on. Good job really.
I’m jealous of the mums on their second, third and fourth babies. I’ll never have that now.
I am also insanely jealous of the normality of it all. Mums taking their babies home the same day as they’re born. How awesome must that be?
Mostly I am jealous of that first hold. Skin to skin. I didn’t have that until Littlebit was about a week old. I am jealous of those mums that get to spend precious time with their babies in those first few days.
Guilt:
Could I have done anything differently? Could I have held her in for a bit longer? If I’d have been at a healthier weight would I still have got pre eclampsia? Has the fact I didn’t meet Littlebit until she was nearly 4 days old affected our bond? Has the fact I didn’t breastfeed her until she was 5 weeks old affected our bond? Should I have spent more time at the hospital? I could go on.
These are some of the questions that go through my head on a fairly regular basis. It used to be every day. That has slowed now. But I still think them every now and then and particularly when watching OBEM.
Anger:
I’ve blogged about my anger at the evil disease that is pre eclampsia before so I won’t go into that again, but I’m angry about other stuff too.
I’m angry that I missed out on a normal pregnancy.
I’m angry that Littlebit had to be moved 40 miles away from me because there was no space closer.
I’m angry that I was put on a ward with other c-section ladies who had their babies with them. Admittedly it was only for one night, but I’d not properly met my bubba, she was 40 miles away from me and I didn’t really know how she was. Of course I was told she was doing ok but I couldn’t see it for myself so didn’t believe it at all. Those other babies crying broke my heart. It wasn’t great for the other mums either as they all knew that I didn’t have my baby with me and that she was in intensive care at another hospital, so they didn’t want to celebrate their babies too much in case it upset me. That wasn’t fair on them!
I feel blessed:
During the series they tend to feature the NICU and some babies in there. Every time I watch anything like that I feel blessed to have what we have. Littlebit is alive, she is healthy, she is happy and content and has no lasting problems from her prematurity. We are so lucky and so blessed.
This week I felt particularly blessed while watching. Mainly because of that infuriating woman who was disappointed when she had a girl. I am soooo grateful to have my little girl. I wouldn’t change her for the world. I am grateful to have a child at all, unlike some it seems 
Humbled:
I have met so many amazing people through the experience of Littlebit’s birth and prematurity. NHS staff and other parents. I feel humbled by them and humbled by how many people came out of the woodwork to support us through it all.
I also feel humbled to have the husband I have. This week it brought it home with Tricia and Steven, they are such a perfect couple and despite Tricia’s disabilities the unconditional love is so very obvious. I realised that my husband loves me more than life itself when I gave birth to Littlebit. I should have known it before, I didn’t, but I truly knew then.
I suppose then that is why I watch. There are some “hard to handle” emotions. But equally there are some amazingly good ones. It reminds me just how lucky I am 
I understand your feelings. I do the same every week. I still feel odd that I didn’t ‘give birth’ – he was breech, I was cheated out of part of my pregnancy- born at 34 weeks. No skin to skin, no contact at birth, just a photo for the first 10 hours. Our local hospital had no scbu cots- but thankfully we where both transferred. My heart wrenched at how you must have felt, especially on the ward.
I try to focus on the positive feelings, and I find that most of the time I’m finally ok with his birth now. He is 3 and a Half. Actually I’m ok all the time- unless I watch OBEM, I should stop, but human curiosity wins every time.
Thank you for writing this post, and sharing how you feel. There must be many more that feel similar too. I’m glad to have found your blog, I’ll be reading through xxx
Thanks for your comment
Human curiosity is a funny thing isn’t it? I know I’ll get upset and yet I have to watch. Bizarre! x
What a lovely post, and very apt as I just watched the same episode on catch up and thought all the same things!
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Dearest K,
You should never feel that our georgous little girl has suffered anything because of you. She is blessed in so many ways; not the least of which is to have you as her Mum. She also has my son as her Dad – a man whom I admire more than almost any other Never regret. No-one ever conciously makes the wrong decision. Never be jealous. You may just find that those who you envy are far more jealous of you – and probably justifiably!
Made me cry Eddie
love you x